T.T

July 11, 2007

This would be a frustrated post that covers most of the issues that I’m really really trying to resolve so bear with it. I so need an outlet……

I’m really really frustrated today that i don’t even know where to start.

I didn’t know that it would hurt this much. I thought that this would be an issue that i could just easily shrug off when it becomes too heavy to bear. But this one, it totally tore my heart into little pieces….

I felt that i wouldn’t survive , but there were people who comforted me in their own way. You deserve my love, dears 🙂

God knows how much i wanted to cry….to breakdown….

 

But the inner me who is made of pride told me to hold them back…..just FREAKING HOLD THOSE TEARS BACK! It’s no use anyway….No one will understand, no one would care…..because THEY DO NOT KNOW.

To show the people that i am tougher than i look….to show them that i could survive this…

But there are just times when my feelings take over me. I become too emotional than usual. T.T Probably girls are really like that. They make SIMPLE things very very COMPLICATED.

I just realized that it is so hard to let your frustrations out especially when no one knows the reason behind it. You get angry and NO ONE KNOWS WHY,  You get frustrated and NO ONE KNOWS WHY, You get jealous and NO ONE KNOWS WHY……..

In my case, a handful of people know but i don’t open myself up to them that much. I don’t want to drag them in my own misery and make them feel miserable themselves……

This is TOO MUCH , that I’m just going to keep this all to myself.

I had enough of “opening up to people” or “showing your emotions”….THEY DON’T WORK, I SWEAR. Believe me, i know.

Really, I’m literally TRAUMATIZED ( don’t ask ) when it comes to that “simple” thing that everybody could do –> SHOWING WHAT YOU FEEL. Gawd, it is so damn hard that one day, i might just ram my car into something big and solid and END WITH IT!

So yeah, for most people i may seem “transparent” or you could not figure what i really think and what i really feel……i know its hard for YOU, but it is TOTALLY HARDER for me too. I want to express what i feel, but i can’t because….

IT WOULD ALWAYS BE USED AGAINST ME

 

I don’t want that to happen so i shut myself from everybody else. Faking smiles here and there and making it appear that I’m the happiest person in the world….but nobody knows that I’m actually dying inside…little by little.

 

Everything is so not falling into place. I’m losing people…..but I’m still holding on. Don’t give up guys, please. I don’t want to lose anyone of you. You guys can’t just walk away like nothing happened! T.T Each and everyone of you is special to me and it kills me inside to see that you guys don’t even see that…..I love you all, i swear. T.T

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7 Responses to “T.T”

  1. derrick Says:

    you and i are no different.

    i guess it’s a natural defense mechanism to allow our emotions to gather up within
    ourselves. and all of those difficult feelings are just hidden by the fake smile we
    show on our faces.

    don’t think that your friends will just abandon you just like that. the experiences and
    memories you have gained with your friends will never be extinguished. what your
    friends can and will do is give you a true and genuine smile, something you should
    really show, because your smile is really appealing.

    i’ve had moments when i think the world is against me, when i feel that i’m always
    left alone, when i think my friends are straying away. but i realize slowly that the friends
    i have will always be there and do their best to give me a brighter day.

    if we’re the friends that you’re talking about that you feel are straying away from you,
    think about what we feel as well. have all our time together all been fake? have all
    things we have been doing not be enough for a true smile from you? i, for one, have
    always been smiling as truly as i can. it saddens me to think that perhaps deep inside,
    you weren’t really happy after all.

    the times have been tough recently, and it’s in these times when we can really show
    our fortitude. we’re your friends and we’ll always be there to help you with your
    troubles. never think we’ll leave you, we love you too, dear. ^_^

  2. Trisha Says:

    That was supposed to be a hug.

    Huuuuuug! Yan, hehe.

  3. ohmygackt Says:

    OMG guys! Thank you very very much.

    Derrick–> That was well said, i appreciated that , very much.

    Trisha–> Thank you! I feel much much better now! Wooh! 🙂

  4. Albeen Says:

    tore my heart into little pieces….
    God knows how much i wanted to cry….to breakdown….
    pride
    FREAKING HOLD THOSE TEARS BACK!
    THEY DO NOT KNOW.
    feelings take over me.
    COMPLICATED.
    NO ONE KNOWS WHY,
    NO ONE KNOWS WHY,
    NO ONE KNOWS WHY……..
    TOO MUCH
    THEY DON’T WORK, I SWEAR.
    TRAUMATIZED
    SHOWING WHAT YOU FEEL
    END WITH IT!
    “transparent”
    YOU
    TOTALLY HARDER
    IT WOULD ALWAYS BE USED AGAINST ME
    Faking smiles
    little by little

    *drum roll*

    makulay ang buhay
    makulay ang buhay
    sa sinabawang gulay
    toink! LOL

    Phew! kakapagod mag-copy paste one by one 😛 Ganda ha.. parang lyrics ng kanta or something. Hehehe. 😀

  5. patpat Says:

    Ara, hehe. i totally get u. wala lng dapat nag-aaral ako epi pero i ended up reading ur blog. hayy…. i know… it sux. 😦 though d k get un context ng kwn2 mo.. hm… i guess i can say na i can relate na minsan u cant share tlg everything pos super bigat na u have to pretend ur hapi wen ur not. etc… though we are not that close, im here if u need anyone to talk to a… lage lng ako asa ym e. hahaa invi !! 🙂

    one thing i learned from all these things. keeping it all to urself … never healthy. goodluck.

    everything will turn out just fine mwahhh

  6. ohmygackt Says:

    @ albeen

    oo nga,wow, parang pwede ngang gawing lyrics ng emo song! woohoo!!! heheheheheehe ^_____________^

    thank you dear,lalalala


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