of secrets and giving up….

November 17, 2006

* The day started out ok, except that I was super-mega-to-the-extreme nervous during our Sci10 class since our teacher, Doc Sio, was calling our names by random using those tiny index cards. Thank God I was not called, although I have been thinking of an answer to blurt out just in case. haha

It’s weird, but for the first time, i understood the lesson in our Math 17 class. ^_^ I’m not really good in math , so just understanding the lesson makes me feel good already, in a way. hahaha. Yeah, limits! haha

…O yeah, speaking about limits…. maybe i should know whay my limits are. ( my gawd, sorry for using a math17 related term to my current situation. hahahaha, cant help it. hehehe ) I’m starting to feel that I have reached my limit…. i mean , the limit to pretend that I do not like you or that I do not feel happy when you are around at least. Why does my pride get in the way sometimes? ( read: always ). At first it was just , probably a “happy” feeling. i mean, you make me happy in your own way. But then, i eventually felt jealous of all things concerning you ( your own prospects, your abilities, your personality, …everything ). I felt that I can never occupy a small space in your world no matter how hard I try. The mere mention of your name paralyzes me, it stops my brain from working making me blurt out insensible and useless words, making me forget what i was supposed to do, blah blah lah. There are others but it might take me forever to list them all down.

If ever i was given a chance to ask you though, there’s only one thing I would ask…

Why don’t you get it?…

I know I am no expert when expressing what I feel and all that ( I suck at that , mind you ), and this places all the blame and burden on me. But then I can not help it… Im helpless. … All I could do is stand on one corner and watch things unfold by themselves, even though the consequences are not what I have in mind…

I actually did not understand half of the lecture in organic chem , since my seatmate kept on pestering me to tell him who my prospect was. I kept on telling him to figure it out by himself by giving him super-mega-to-the-max vague clues that will make anyonescrath their heads in dismay. But then he would not stop asking questions and I felt that I should tell him since he has his own secrets, he also shares them with me. So i eventually gave in and told him. ( although not directly, i just gave him a gave away clue ) This made him think very hard and suddenly told me that “I know something concerning you which you are not supposed to know . Argh! Why do I feel that everyone is keeping something from me… 😦 I mean, he told me that since last sem and I was not just paying attention to it, but I think I need to know…

Uhm..oh yeah, I will give up on you soon…. ^_^

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